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Giving Thanks

My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.

At Thanksgiving we had the whole fa....
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Poor Choice Of Words

A seminary student was leading the music for a small church. His first Sunday "jitters" became apparent after the choir completed a beautiful special number and, relieved, he turned to the congregation and said, "Let's all stand and sing, 'When We All Get to Heaven' while the choir goes down below." Email this

Pain Management

A mother was pregnant with her second child and was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. ....
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Paying Taxes

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eage....
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Biting Nails

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured h....
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Mariage Conditions

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on anoth....
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Birthday/Anniversary

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a 'birthday/anniversary card.' The clerk replied, 'We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?'

The man said, 'You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's th....
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Come Back For Hubby

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is her....
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I'd Rather Walk

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat ....
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The Prodigal Comes Home

The Religious Ed teacher was reading this story of the Prodigal Son to his class, clearly emphasizing the resentment the older brother expressed at the return of his brother. When he was finished telling the story, he asked the class, "Now who was really sad that the prodigal son had come home?" After a few minutes of silence, one little....
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Looking For Pastor

After 50 years preaching from the same pulpit, a much loved pastor decided to retire. Because the church building was classically elegant, the manse spacious and comfortable and the congregation large and generous, applications poured in. The board of elders was faced with the daunting task of sifting thro....
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Being Rude

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and ....
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Reason To Be Patriotic

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be grateful for is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy ca....
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What It Takes

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ’I’ in the word ‘marriage.’” The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling....
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Giving the Worst to Church

Around Thanksgiving a few years ago, radio commentator Paul Harvey shared a true story of a woman and her frozen Thanksgiving turkey.

The Butterball Turkey Company set up a telephone hotline to answer consumer questions about preparing holiday turkeys. One woman called to inquire about cooking a turkey tha....
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The Difference

Thanksgiving was only eight days away. A Sunday School teacher decided to ask her preschoolers about the upcoming holiday. She thought it would be effective to have the class playfully correct some wrong ideas about Thanksgiving.

"Now let me see. Thanksgiving. That's the day when we think about all the....
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Really Bad Predictions

In an article in The Futurist magazine, writer Laura Lee catalogues some of the worst predictions of all time:

"Inventions have long since reached their limit, and I see no hope for further developments." —Roman engineer Julius Sextus Frontinus, A.D. 100

"The abdo....
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Unsafe Driver

Parked on the side of the road, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. Thinking the driver is as dangerous as a speeder, the state trooper turns on his lights and pulls the car over.

As he approaches the vehicle, the officer notices there are five elderly l....
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Anniversary Gift

Ralph and Janice were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and Pastor Jones decided to take advantage of their longevity by using their story as a sermon illustration. He asked Ralph to come on stage and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.

Ralph turned....
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Search The Scriptures

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition, yet he still seemed to be doing well.

Curious as to why, the college graduate asked his friend, "How has everything been going with you?"....
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You Need A Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk about it."
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God Is Missing

A couple had two boys, 8 and 10, who were always getting into trouble. The parents were certain if any mischief occurred in the community that their two young sons were involved. They were at a loss as to what to do about their behavior.

Then the mother heard about a clergyman who'd been successful in dis....
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Getting Baptized

A little girl had faithfully attended baptism classes. Her mother, wanting to be sure her daughter understood its significance, asked, "Honey, what does baptism mean?"

"Well, it isn't the water that makes you clean … " she began.

Smiling, Mother thought, "Yes....
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Bored At Church

A little buy asked his father how high he had ever counted. His dad said, "I didn't know, how high have you counted?" The boy said, "It was 5,372. "

"Oh," said his father. "Why did you stop there?"

"Church was over." his son replied.
....
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Why Men Don't Write Advise Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I....
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Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without....
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Zoo Trip

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father i....
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Who's Your Daddy?

While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad.....
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X-Ray Failure

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.

"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.

"I do." said the st....
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Library Argument

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a wo....
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Breakfast Order

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order.

He says: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook. "This guy out ther....
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What Does It Take?

A cartoon strip shows Dennis the Menace in bed between his mother and father, with the blanket pulled up to his chin, "A little thunder doesn't scare me," he says. "It's just a lot of thunder that makes me afraid."Email this

Problems Remembering

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old m....
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Prepared For Marriage

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

....
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Being Like Jesus

A mom was reading a bedtime story to her little 3-year-old son, when he suddenly said, "Mommy, I want to be like Jesus."

The mother was filled with joy and began to get emotional over his apparent spiritual maturity, until he continued: "So I won't have to go to bed."....
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Graveside Observation

A newly widowed man stood at the cemetery next to his wife's casket. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there.&qu....
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Sibling Takes

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.

<....
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Is That God Talking?

Our family went to a college football game together. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is t....
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FBI Opening For Assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the f....
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Marriage Teachings

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

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What Is Prayer?

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"

One of her pupils answered, "....
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Time Efficiency

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.

"Why not?" he was asked.

"Well, I did a study of my wi....
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Diary Secrets

A little boy asked his mother, "What's that you're reading?"

A diary.

What's ....
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Starting To Date

Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can he....
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Sleeping On The Job

One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But ....
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Blind Date Slap

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"Email this

Salary Raise

Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"

The boss answered, "As soon as you do."

....
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Kitten Revival

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.

A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizin....
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Sin or Mistake?

A young woman asked for an appointment with her pastor to talk with him about a besetting sin about which she was worried. When she saw him, she said, "Pastor, I have become aware of a sin in my life which I cannot control. Every time I am a....
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Preachin’ and Meddlin’

Two elderly, excited, Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the ....
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Peanut Preaching

A Pastor gave an unusual sermon one day, using a peanut to make several important points about the wisdom of God in nature.

After the service, one of his members greeted him at the door and said, "Very interesting, Pastor, I never expected to learn so much from a nut."....
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Bulletin Bloopers

The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.

"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a ....
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Preacher's Best Years

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's ....
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I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign whi....
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Sermon Follow-Up

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know ....
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Chicken Shack

Will Perdue walks into his psychiatrist's office and perches himself on the sofa.

"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Cluck, cluck, cluck, I think I'm a chicken!" says Will.

"How long has this been going on?" asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was an egg!" says Mr. ....
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Bob And Bill

Two neighbors had been feuding for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use Bill's yard as his own toilet. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog's filthy habit. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use Bill's yard, as well.

After about a year and a half of Bob's cow maneuring Bill's yard, one day a se....
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Rat Race

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

....
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Doubting Thomas

Little Tommy walks into the family kitchen one fine morning and asks his mom, "Will you remember me in an hour?"

"Yes," answers mom.

"Will you remember me in a day?" asks Tommy.

"Yes," responds mom.

"Will you remember me in a week?" says Tommy.

....
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Well Done

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

....
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Come Together

One day in early-2002, a young woman named Heather hobbled into a lawyer's office, on a quest for legal advice...

After being greeted by the all-too-accomodating attorney, she asked, "Is it true that if I get divorced, I'm entitled to half of my husband's possessions?"

"In most cases,"....
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The Fab Four

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport...

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

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Our 4 Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations Mr. Washington, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins....
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Come and Get Me

My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must ha....
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Seeing Things My Way

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

....
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Pastor Search

A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.

Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life i....
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The Flower Girl Blues

My daughter was about 3 years old when my brother got married. The couple asked her to be the flower girl in their garden wedding.

A bit of a ham, she enjoyed the rehearsal just fine, but when she was all dressed up at the actual wedding, she balked.

We couldn't figure out why, until she tearfully explai....
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Playing God

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the e....
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Stain Glass

An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures i....
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Sister Temperance

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty ann....
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Resolving to Rise

Tom had this problem of waking up late in the morning and was always late for work because he had problems getting to sleep.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed; it woul....
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Hear and There

An old, hearing-impaired gentleman visited his doctor.

The doctor warned him, "You have a heart murmur. Be careful."

Later that week, the doctor was very surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?&qu....
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In the Big City

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the cement trail to the door....
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New Year's Dinner

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

<....
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Job Requirements

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you....
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Quick Proposal

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We onl....
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Two Requests

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.

She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she ....
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Golf Cheater

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh....
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Pitching Control

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your probl....
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Letters To God

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.

One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."